Graeme Joseph Louis Hackett

17th September 1975 - 7th November 2007

Vivien explains how Dr Bach's philosophy and remedies gave invaluable support during the time of her son's recent death and ongoing bereavement.

Introduction

Dr Bach lived and wrote his healing philosophy in the 1930’s, alongside finding his famous 38 remedies.

His ideas are still alive and well today!

Dr Bach’s 5 fundamental truths were keenly tested by myself during the death of my eldest son Graeme and they were not found wanting. They offered me a way of being that brought great depth and comfort, so obviously noticeable when living at the extreme edge of experience.

I felt the need to share the following living interpretation of how these five principles all came into play at that time, primarily as a way of coming terms with my loss, but also in case it offered something of value to others.

My Story

My name is Vivien Williamson and I am a divorcee with three adult sons. At the time of Graeme’s passing he was just 32, and the eldest of the three. Alexander is the middle son at 30 and Joshua the youngest at 25. 

I am a primary teacher by profession, but spent most of my working life in Adult Education, which I greatly enjoyed. However, once I found the Bach Flower Remedies in 1980 my life changed as the joy of making and sharing these marvellous creations finally completely took over my life.

I wrote my first book about the Bach Flowers in 2000, and was able to publish 94 of my own flower pictures in it. My business Sun Essences finally found prosperity at about the same time with customers in Sweden, Spain and USA. Much of our work is selling mother tinctures for private label, our principle customer being Bioforce, who is based in Scotland.

I spent 2 years as the Chairman of the British Flower and Vibrational Essence Association and was a founder member of the Bach Essence Producers with Julian Barnard and Gerard Wolf. The pinnacle of our success was the Bach Cromer Conference in September 2006 when we brought delegates and speakers from over 32 countries.

I recall trying to focus my mind on the final preparations for the conference when Graeme was in hospital having his transplant. It was a difficult and exhausting time, but thankfully he came out a few days before the actual conference so I was able to see he was okay before giving my whole attention to the well-being of over 300 delegates.  

Graeme’s Story

Just before Christmas 2005 Graeme rang to had been to St Bartholomew’s drop in centre for a blood test, they had called him in immediately for a transfusion as his count was so low. Although we had no diagnosis at this stage my heart sank, and it was not a surprise when he rang the next day to say he had leukaemia. He shut up his London flat and came home to Norwich, where all his family were living. He had some chemo at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital, and we were lucky to have him home for Christmas. But all did not go well, apparently his bone marrow was diseased and not recovering from the chemo. After only two sessions they said they could not give him more, for fear of poisoning him, and his only hope of a cure was a stem cell transplant. Amazingly he had almost completely recovered at this point and looked a picture of health.  He said he felt better than he had for months. To brutally destroy that seemed harsh, but as a young man he wanted a complete cure and never considered taking a chance and doing everything he could to stay well. As an active person in the field of alternative therpies,  I had many suggestions as to what he could do, but with the positive sign of a near perfect donor match, being found in Aussieland for him, he decided to go ahead.

There followed six weeks of intensive hospital care and he emerged a thin and pained looking specimen. With no appetite or energy, countless tablets to swallow and drips to endure, it was a long road to improvement.  The addition of some steroids made all the difference,  and despite a swollen face he picked up significantly. He did get some quality of life for a while, but there were many low days. His only wish was to go back to Thailand, where he had spent many months travelling and enjoying getting to know the locals, the female ones in particular I understand, but such freedom was a long way off.

Nearly a year since the transplant and narrowly escaping a brush with pneumonia,  and unable to really have much quality of life without steroids, he decided to redefine himself. Instead of being a sick person, he would be a student with some health problems. He opted to go back to college, alongside his younger brother Josh and do an access course to university where he planned to study history. By far the brightest of the three, this was easily attainable for him. His brother Alex, with much hard work and effort, had just completed his Masters in Environmental Science and Josh, recoiling in horror at the thought of still being a shop assistant at 30, decided to knuckle down and do a Psychology degree. I was sure that this would help him turn a corner, providing a more positive mental framework, as at last the future held something positive. But his health continued to be a problem and he missed a lot of college with hospital visits. Finally, worried about the many ominous signs, they took him back into Addenbrooks where he had had the transplant. None of us imagined for a minute that he would not get well and that my visit to him that Sunday on my way down to Brighton to teach Bach Flowers, would be the last time I ever saw him. I recall him saying he could see coloured lights that were in the shape of diamond crystals – I said it was an Angel come to help him get well. Perhaps it was an Angel, but more truthfully,  there to lead him on his way.

Dr Bach’s  Five Fundamental Truths

I had just finished the days teaching when I got a call from my family on my mobile, Graeme was ill with a kidney infection, would I call into Addenbrooks hospital on my way home!

It hit me like a shock wave!   It was difficult not to think the worst. I set off at a careful speed, despite the urgency, and felt nervous about what was awaiting me there.

I had been studying Dr Bach’s Philosophy as I had presented it as a topic during the days teaching. My mind seemed to fill with his ideas, particularly the five fundamental truths and I thought of Graeme.

The first being:

 “Man has a soul which is his real self, a divine mighty being, a son of the creator of all things.” Dr Bach Heal Thyself

Perhaps we call this mighty being by another name, our higher self, or supra-consciousness or the still small voice. It’s the same thing….

It lives not only within us, but also around and about us. It is invincible and immortal and is our protector. It guides and directs our lives to our utmost advantage.

 In the face of death the knowledge that the true self is divine and invincible is comfort indeed and that the soul would, in fact, know the right time for it to leave this earth.

I felt my mind lift and fill with the vision of Graeme’s divine and invincible soul, (yes, this was while I was driving on the motorway). I felt small in the face of such magnificence and it was easy to understand in that moment that Graeme’s body was not his true self, but his mighty soul obviously was. Perhaps the lessons of this life were finished and it was now time for him to leave this plane of existence?  Even if they were not completed, no matter – the soul  would simply come back and try again. What was ‘time,’ as we knew it, in the face of this immortal being? What was a life, a beginning, a middle and an end – the time again seemed meaningless.

Principle 2

We are 'down here’ for the purpose of gaining all knowledge and experience which can be obtained through earthly existence, of developing virtue, which we lack, and wiping out all wrong within us.’

If we can see the reason for our earthly path as an opportunity to learn lessons and perfect our natures, our life here becomes something of great meaning and purpose. You can also be certain the soul is guiding us to our best advantage through all of this.

I worried greatly that my son had not fulfilled his soul purpose, he was only 32 and his life seemed unfinished, in fact he had only just stared a new college course. To me it seemed a long way off ‘perfect’ ! The last time I saw Graeme he spoke of his angry feelings towards his dad, his heart was certainly not at peace!

But here I was, slipping off into earthly thinking and not seeing things from a soul perspective!

The soul knows exactly the time of its departure and would not leave while there was work still to be done or things to be understood!!! As Dr Bach says……………

‘Nor need any case despair, however severe, for the fact that the individual is still granted physical life indicates that the soul who rules is not without hope.' P 8 heal Thyself

If there was no longer any chance of a physical life for Graeme, then the purpose, by definition, would be complete, and if not, then there was still eternity to complete his lessons!

Although my son had not had a successful career, he had certainly had a lot of experiences. So whatever had happened in his life must have been for the best advancement of his soul. I realised I could not know what was best for my son, his real self, his soul, would know that far better than I. 

At In Home with God – Neale Donald Walsh talks of many remembrances about death. I like them all very much – here are two that came to me……..

Third remembrance  - You cannot die against your will 

Eleventh remembrance – The timing and circumstances of death are always perfect

Principle 3

“This soul passage on earth which we know as life, is but a moment in the course of our evolution, as one day at school is to a life.”

So I thought, this is the end of this day at school for my son – and he is lucky – he’s going home early! The rest of us still have most of the afternoon left and also some of the evening!

Our Christian society doesn’t believe in re-incarnation, although it is suggested that the early Christians did and as Dr Bach said “ our intuition tells us our birth was infinitely far from our beginning and our death infinitely far from our ending.”

I have to agree with this, and so did my son believe in re-birth. He believed that we come to learn lessons and when they are done for this life – or day at school – we can go home, rest, and relax, ready to come back tomorrow refreshed to start a new days lessons.
I suppose, as all devoted mothers, I am attached to my son’s earthly form and to his personality and greatly grieve its loss. Our personalities are the soul’s special gift to us and each one is unique. They help us to achieve our purpose here on earth.

Principle 4

'when personalities are led astray from the path laid down by the soul, either by our own worldly desires or by the persuasion of others, then a conflict arises. This conflict is the root cause of all disease and unhappiness.'

And

'Disease is in itself beneficent, and has for its object the bringing back of the personality to the divine will of the soul.'

Disease and unhappiness arise because of a conflict with the soul and personality. We have strayed from the life plan devised for us and gone our own wilful way. Suffering is an indication that we have strayed too far and it can be understood as a message that we must come back on track. Once we have returned, the pain ceases so looked at in this way, it can be seen to be a beneficent friend!

So of course, I wondered deeply how my son could be so far off track, that he could get leukaemia, obviously the terminal stage of a long held soul/personality conflict – the true reason for his disease. I looked coolly at his life and it was easy to suggest that this might be so.

Despite having me for a mum, he himself would not entertain that his emotions had had anything to do with his illness and would not take remedies. He looked only for the material and physical cause, perhaps he had had a blast of radiation on a plane or something.  And he looked to modern medicine for his cure. As any mother might, it hurt me deeply and I would gladly have borne it for him. But sadly, we cannot take away someone’s lessons or free will, and all that we, the family, could do was to be there for him.

I hoped and prayed that 'Gee' would in some way come to understand the true cause of his illness and so return to health.

Principle 5

The 5th principle is the unity of all things, understanding that we are all manifestations of love.

‘……….the Creator of all things is love, and that everything of which we are conscious is in all its infinite number forms is a manifestation of that love, whether it be planet, or a pebble, a star or a dewdrop, man or the lowliest form of life.’

Normally we saw very little of Gee as from a young age he had set off into the blue yonder to do his own thing. He travelled a lot and had a particular love for Thailand. His one strongest wish was to return there and sadly this was never fulfilled at least in his earthly form. He would also deceive me to what he actually got up to a lot of the time, which was blasting his brains out on various illegal substances. He could not lie to me actually,  it was all obvious to me , but it did make it difficult for us to have an honest relationship.

As it was, he came back to us and we had a gift. Him with us for two years!  In addition, in the face of his illness, the deceit ended and the extreme drug taking ended, to be replaced by a another form!?! But we could have an honest relationship at last!

We only needed to add it up and the family had more quality time with him that we ever would have done if he had been well and gone to live in Thailand! Over that time he changed his mind about love, he realised how much we all loved him and how much he loved us, surely an important lesson and a worthwhile outcome.

I felt such comfort as all these thoughts passed through my mind and I arrived at the hospital perhaps more centred and prepared that I could ever have hoped.

Ten days in Intensive Care

To see him unconscious in intensive case was a shock, the noise and bustle was tremendous, but I somehow remained sustained by my beliefs and I felt strong as if my intuition was guiding every moment!

I also knew that if we held on to him it would be no good so I talked to him in my heart and amazingly he seemed to reply to me. I know it wasn’t my imagination as his answers came back so unexpected!

Steven Levine in his book 'Who Dies', writes of the value and success of ‘Heart talk’

Steven Levine says that ‘ the technique of talking through the heart was so useful that even those tossing restlessly in their sleep quieted  down when someone next to them began sending love and understanding silently through their heart.’

‘When you speak from the heart you send love, not your needs or desires for people to be any other way than they are.’ Who dies p 164

I said, ‘We love you and want you to come back and be with us, but if you feel you want to go then we understand'.

He replied, quite clearly that he would not be coming back. 'It’s lovely and peaceful here Mum'.

And so it went on for several days – back and forth from Norwich to Cambridge but then I felt strongly called by him and as I arrived at the hospital there were fireworks going off – and I wished he could be well and watching the fireworks. Later that night he talked to me, and it is this that I read at his funeral. (see end of this peice)

The following day, Sunday, he took a turn for the worst and we called the family, Mum, Dad, Alex, Josh and his cousin Genevieve  - I told them all to say goodbye and make their peace with him. They even let all if us stand around the bed and Gena who is quite sensitive, felt there were many other beings around and that it was a powerful moment. Amazingly they did manage to pull him back, but it was the last time Gena, Alex and Josh saw him. We all knew that even if he did recover now, he would be an invalid – it takes months to recover from even a few days in intensive care, and his lungs were now scared by infection. He would not want that and neither would we.

Why was he hanging on?

What was holding him to this earth?

He had not said goodbye to his grandma. I could take care of that.

But there was more to it than that……………then I knew.

He still held great resentment towards his father, who was a heroin addict. Knowing the 12 step programmes used by AA and other self help groups for addicts quite well, I had tried to help him understand the importance of letting go of the addict and understanding ones powerlessness, but with little success.

‘Be ever reluctant to judge others, for what is right for one is wrong for another'. Dr Bach

Perhaps being an addict offered his father the perfect lessons he needed in this life and being around him might give others the right environment for their perfect lessons!!

I had worried how this negative state of mind might be inhibiting his recovery and told him so, and he did at last agree to take remedies when he came out of hospital. Sadly that never happened………

'Understanding and correction of our errors would shorten our illness and bring us back to health… ' Dr Bach

He was hanging on still hoping that his father would come and in some way make his peace, which would of course never happen.

I  realised that Graeme must make his own peace with Martin within himself. I came home briefly on Monday 5th. Then at 9.30 in the evening Julian Barnard rang and said he had just spoken to Vicky Lee, a dentist who uses flower remedies in her London practise. He had told her about Graeme.

She said when someone can’t take the remedies, you can take them for them. As they come into your energy field they will get the remedy. So he told me to take some remedies for Graeme and to also take them with me when I next went to see him. So, I choose some remedies for Gee and took them myself

Holly – he was openly very angry and hostile towards his Dad

Willow – he felt great blame and resentment towards him

Chicory  - he wanted his Dad to be there for him while he was ill

Mimulus – I felt he needed courage to overcome this long held issue and move on

Julian and I  also recalled Nora Weeks saying that even though the remedies might not seem to be helping a person, they are reaching the soul and that person will die healed!

His Last Day

Then on Wednesday 7th, about 12.30 we went back to Cambridge to see him, and Grandma was with us. As soon as we arrived the doctors said there was nothing more they could do for him, if he started to deteriorate they would not give any more care. This was it, it was only a matter of time! I was so amazingly focused and still felt strength and support coming from somewhere. In the afternoon my Dad and Grandma went home and, my Mum and I decided to stay with him until he went.

We eventually got back in to see him at  4ish and I stood beside him and laid the four remedies on his chest. He seemed reasonable stable.  I began to talk to him, your Dad might come tomorrow, but you really must forgive him within yourself. I’ve chosen these remedies to help you do that and told him what they were. Then I suddenly realised he needed Red Chestnut! He was frightened for his Dad! I did not have that one with me, so I described the tree, with its lovely plumes red flowers – it was a beautiful and powerful thing to do together

Then I noticed his heart rate starting to gently fall and realised that after all this time of struggle he was at last going!  And it was happening so easily and peacefully! A reality shock hit me and I felt my energy bodies shift, I took some Be Calm and somehow held myself together. I said, well Graeme this seems to be it, its time for you to go, don’t worry about any of us here, we will be alright, and the remedies will help you to move on easily

I spontaneously called down a blessing from the Buddha, and imagined him sitting in the lotus position above him, with a beautiful light streaming down and there was suddenly a great feeling of calm and peace around us.

The nurse said they needed to turn off the drips as they would be keeping him going, and once they were off it took only a few minutes for his heart rate to slow down and stop  - Mum cracked a joke and said at least he wouldn’t have to worry about the government anymore!

I remember moving away from him just before the end – why I just don’t know? My shock perhaps overcame me? Later I felt really sad about the fact I was not at this side.  But then I found out that many believe that leaving them alone at that moment is recommended as being to near can keep them hanging on. We’ve all heard of the occasions that the moment the relative goes to the toilet is the time they choose to go!!

Later as I read the Tibetan book of living and dieing I found the Powa Technique. This is a special meditation to help the dieing and also the dead. It brings down the light of the Buddhas and helps to burn off negative karma and purify their subtle bodies.  Without really knowing what I was doing, I had done everything right – my soul really was guiding me every step of the way!

The remedies I choose were not to help him die, they were to help him forgive his Dad. But I don’t think it mattered what they were, the light and love and letting go that is the remedies were enough to guide him peacefully on his way. Was he just dieing anyway? Well yes he was, but he had been hanging on for hours and days – then as soon as I arrived, with the remedies  - and remember I had been taking these four remedies for nearly two days now -  he went within less than half an hour. It was perhaps a combination of everything, but it would need many more opportunities to really assess the value of the remedies in such situations, if we ever really could.

Mum and I went into the waiting room and made a cup of tea. Doing something ordinary seemed the best thing in that moment. I heard a great whoop of joy in my heart!!! This is wonderful – I am free! It was Graeme!

Then we went in to see his dead body and it really brought it home to me that the human body is just a vehicle for the soul. That lump or shell, was not my son, who he was had gone – you could really sense the emptiness. That in itself was a revelation!
I often takes great courage to look at the body, but I would say – do it – it's worth the effort. Also, if you can, look at it in its raw state, and not all done up in the funeral parlor!

Going Home

And my dear son helped us get home. We arrived at Cambridge train station at six o’clock, and the train was due to leave for Norwich at 5 minutes past!  Amazingly we found the platform and got on the train, even though my Mum was not that fast on her pins. But we had no tickets and the guard said he would come and get them during the journey. A little voice in my head said that we would not need tickets!!! We were almost at Norwich when I said to Mum that he hadn’t come for our money. Oh dear, she said, suddenly worried, I’ve got my money here to pay. Well mine’s here too, I replied. Then, just out of nowhere I saw a train ticket fall down onto my Mum’s tray. I thought it had fallen out of some kind of pocket in the back of the seat, but there were no pockets – it was all just moulded plastic. The ticket was one from earlier in the day and there was no where it could have come from, no one had walked by and dropped it. We laughed and were convinced Graeme had done some clever little trick of conjuring up a ticket from somewhere and saying ‘There you are Nanny – here’s a ticket for you!’ I’m ashamed to say we didn’t pay, but on that day we felt we could be excused.

He also joined us for Xmas. Were starting a game of Scrabble and Josh was due to go first having drawn a G. You can guess what I’m going to say – the next two letters he picked out were two EE’s. To make ‘GEE’, now what’s the odds on that? It did make our Christmas I must say!

With so much insight and inner support I faced the next few months with the delusion that I wouldn’t need to grieve that much! Well I understand where he is and what’s happened, don’t I – well I was wrong! The heart still needs to grieve and let go and when you love someone deeply, that takes time. Life truly humbled me there!

I’ve read every book I can get my hands on and found out a lot about myself since. One thing is how shocked I was and that I was finding it hard to express my feelings very well as I found myself bottling up my grief. Transformational breathe work has been a godsend, which adds up to taking time out to grieve! Funny things, putting a good cry into your diary!!

Sadness is one of the hearts ways of honouring another. So, too is happiness. You honour the soul of your beloved by feeling your sadness fully now. You will honour the soul of your beloved by feeling your happiness fully too, when the day and time comes – as surely it will. Thought from Neale Donald Walsch,  in At Home with God.

I also like this remembrance – that we are all one and together in eternity. I like to think that I am with my son right now, and can talk to him. This does reflect Dr Bach’s 5th  principle of unity

The seventeenth remembrance is:
In death you will be greeted by all of your loved ones – those who have died before you and those you will die after you.

I reflected how much of a gift this experience was for me, and also what an opportunity to experience and learn so much. Death is a birth into a new life and it was a privilege to help him do this, we had a terrible time together when he was born, it was equally bad on the way out, but I hoped I made that experience as positive as it could be.

Message from Graeme

Towards the end of his time in intensive care,  Graeme spoke to me in my heart. He gave me a message for you all, they are firm words but of great comfort.

He told us not to look back, there were to be no regrets, it’s time to let go and move on he said.

He told me we were not to think that Graeme would like to be here or that he would enjoy this or that…….
No I would not – he told me – don’t worry about me, I don’t want to come back because I am in a much better place! It’s peaceful and happy here and I am not suffering any longer.

He said that we were not to look back to the past or forwards to the future, but to just concentrate on the daily things that we need to do in our lives right now. In that way we would be happy.

He thought himself to be a bit of a Buddhist and this is very much their way of thinking and it does work.

Finally he told me to thank you all for the love and care you had given him over these past two years.  He said to me that he loved us all very much and promised to be the first to welcome us when it was our turn to leave.

Vivien Williamson

February 2008